And Boris. And beer. And woodburners. And . . . is there no end to Dave P’s rants?
I’ve got mixed feelings about the Germans. I really want to dislike them, but I can’t. After all, if it wasn’t for Germany’s ambitions to rule Europe, my dad, from Hampshire, wouldn’t have ended up stationed at an RAF base in Norfolk during WW2 and therefore would have been unlikely ever to have met my mother, a local lass.
As if Hitler hadn’t already got enough to answer for.
But personal circumstances aside, what have the Germans ever done for us? I mean apart from making excellent sausages and creating the best pubs in the world. You don’t believe me? Well, go visit one of Munich’s bier kellers. Dropping into the Moon and Plughole for a swift half will never be the same again, believe me.
What was I saying? Oh yes, what else have the Germans ever done for us? Well, they also make good cars, but not as good as old Land Rovers, of course. You show me the BMW or Merc that automatically turns your footwell into a foot spa every time it rains. And with an old Land Rover there aren’t any fancy electronics involved, either – just good, old-fashioned leaks, engineered in at Solihull. You have to pay a premium for that sort of stuff. Perhaps that’s why old Defenders hold their value so well.
Blue haze
Where was I? Oh yes, German cars. Actually, they aren’t all that good. Way back in the 1980s, when I didn’t know any better, I bought a VW Scirocco GTi because it was black and sleek and looked good. Unfortunately, the 1.8 fuel-injected petrol engine also injected vast quantities of engine oil into the combustion chambers, via hopeless valve seals. I’ve owned two-strokes that burned less oil.
I left a blue haze behind me, everywhere I drove. To make matters worse, the garage I bought it from never managed to effect a satisfactory repair, despite several lengthy spells in its workshops. Eventually, in despair, I bought a Renault 21 GTS, which shows how desperate I’d become.
Backlash
And it has happened, of course. Suddenly, politicians of every hue wanting to make a name for themselves are thinking of ever more ingenious ways of ridding the world of the demon diesel – even though it isn’t. Diesel remains the most popular fuel with European motorists, not because it’s killing us all, but because it is the most efficient stuff you can burn in an internal combustion engine. It is incredibly frugal, and the latest generation of diesel engines is even cleaner and more frugal.
The trouble is, most politicians know nothing about cars. They only know about soundbites. But inevitably, some innocent souls who can’t detect the spin do believe the garbage they spout.
Six years ago, Land Rover attempted to set the record straight. It was in the company’s own interest, because they made the best diesel engines in the world – and they were getting better because the profits generated by selling those engines in record numbers were ploughed back into creating even better and cleaner diesels.
Jaguar Land Rover’s UK managing director at the time, Jeremy Hicks, came out fighting. He pointed out that particulate emissions from diesel engines had been reduced by 95 per cent in the past decade as a result of the introduction of diesel particulate filters.
Burning question
But to my mind, he will always be remembered for informing the world that domestic woodburning stoves accounted for almost as much particulate pollution in the UK as road transport (17 per cent compared to 18 per cent, in 2013). “I can imagine a well-intentioned person deciding against buying a diesel car for environmental reasons as they sling another log onto the wood-burning stove thinking they are returning to nature,” said Jeremy at the time.
Once again the Germans had created an almighty mess and the British were getting on with the job of putting it right. Nice one, Jeremy.
But common sense didn’t prevail, because the politicians, as is their wont, moved the goalposts.
The massive investment Land Rover’s Indian owners, Tata, had made in building a state-of-the-art engine factory in Wolverhampton to power Land Rovers and Jaguars of the future was money down the drain, because from 2030 sales of new petrol- and diesel-powered cars will be banned.
Originally, the date for outlawing the internal combustion engine (ICE) was 2040, but in February 2019, former PM, Boris Johnson, said he would bring forward a ban on new petrol and diesel car sales from 2040 to 2035 – or even sooner if a faster transition was feasible – and confirmed it would include hybrid and plug-in hybrid vehicles.
In November 2020, Johnson confirmed (in a newspaper column) that the government was bringing the ban on the sale of petrol and diesel cars forward to 2030, though hybrids would be unaffected until 2035, provided they’re capable of achieving “significant” zero-emissions distances.
The ban would form part of what Johnson refers to as a “green industrial revolution,” creating, he said, a low-carbon economy and millions of new jobs. Try telling that to the thousands who would have been building ICE in Wolverhampton.
Ironically, sales of wood-burning stoves can continue, with no prospect of a ban, although owners must ensure they use dry wood. Wet wood is banned. So is “excessive” smoke emanating from your chimney, which could land you with a fine of up to £1000.
Quite how the woodburner police will ascertain the wetness of your fuel or the density of your smoke is, however, uncertain.
It’s all too easy to mock Boris and his bungles, but his successors have done nothing to unravel the mess. Today, the situation in the UK regarding the sale of new petrol and diesel cars remains the same. No new petrol or diesel cars will be sold after 2030, and all new cars and vans will need to be 100% zero emission by 2035. Meanwhile, the infrastructure needed to serve a nation of EV owners is woefully inadequate, and there’s also uncertainty about whether the National Grid could cope with the demand from all those EV chargers. Meanwhile, 2030 edges ever closer, and the current incumbents of Nos 10 and 11 Downing Street are fast losing the confidence of even their own party members.
Like most of the fine messes left behind by our hapless politicians, it makes the UK a laughing stock. And I bet the Germans are laughing harder than anyone.
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